An Explanation

I think my last posting may require an explanation. All I can really say is I am struggling, wrestling really. Because if you have not noticed we live in a broken world, and I feel this very strongly, not just around me, but in myself! Which may be the hardest part, knowing that there is more, better, yet still being dragged down by the bitter darkness that I know Jesus has already conquered…

I am frustrated; the post was me kind of screaming… I am in a stormy place, but God is comforting me, with the constant reminders of his love and nearness, but things are still hard, living in between times is hard, the here but not yet kingdom! In my post I was letting out some of my frustration… I thought maybe someone out there could relate, life is not all sunshine and rainbows, but God is still good, all the time! I believe this, I know he is my hope, but often my knowing of the sunshine gets clouded by my feelings...

I am restless because this world is not a place of peace, I feel the brokenness and my soul cries out in frustration! Come Lord Jesus Come! Jesus does give me rest, but I think I am meant to feel and experience this frustration, I am not satisfied, nor should I be, I think I will never be completely at rest or satisfied till he returns...

I do not think any of this is a bad thing; actually I am convinced that this struggle is part of God’s refining process. This does not change how much it hurts, but it gives me hope and a certain sense of peace that I am the clay in the Potter’s hands; it is all going to be OK, actually better than OK it is going to be amazing… divine… holy! PRAISE THE LORD ON HIGH.

Please don't be too concerned, just keep praying for me.

God bless you all. Amen

Need

Disclaimer: Life is a b!tch and then you die! Yet, God is good all the time, so I will praise His Holy Name for He alone is worthy. Amen.

I need thee, I NEEEEED…

broken, lost, angry, confused, happy, and at peace. I live in a paradox and call it life?

Whose life is this? NO, it can’t be mine… can it?

Full, abundant, and purpose driven.

Not mine.

Empty, abandoned, and mad with envy.

That is who I am.

NO! This just doesn't measure up. WHAT THE F#CK!

God is near,

He is right here, in my heart and my head.

Than how is it that I…

Oh Father, Son, and Holy Ghost please come and rescue this little lost soul, once again,

over and over again.

Like a bad dream. I live life as a single sigh of grief…

NOT SO! Not forever, there is coming a New Day!

I hear the Father whisper into my heart's ear, “hold on tight dear girl…

I am near, I am coming home, I will take you away, I will renew, revive and release,

all will be well with your soul.

Be not in fear anymore for I am with you Maria, till the end of time… and beyond.

You are my girl and I am your Father.

Be loved, by me forever and ever

Amen.” 

BAM! POW!

The Lord speaks, what is he saying to you today? He speaks in and through all sorts of things and persons…

Creation - the breath taking sunset and the pouring down rain.

Situation - getting a free coffee on your way to work and falling hitting your head on the edge of the coffee table.

Things - that gorgeous new cocktail dress that you saw in the window and a yummy new recipe you made from scratch.

I think you get the idea – This list is as endless as the stars in the sky.

So I ask you again what God could be saying to you, that you are missing?

Situation - Just over a month ago I was getting off the bus coming home from a lovely encouraging dinner with a couple friends. It was a dark wet night, but I was happy, as I bounced off (quite literately I was bouncing) off the bus and making my way up the street POW! Out of nowhere a lady hit me in the face. I was completely blindsided!  I put my hand up to my injured cheek bone and slowly turned around exclaiming “oooooooouuuccch.” I noticed that she was wearing very little in the way of clothing, as she stumbled away not even caring to look back I decided that if she wanted to she could probably beat me up, so still clutching my cheek I walked home bewildered and a little scared.

I am not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me or to think I am hard core.  I am also not trying to make any kind of theological argument about “why bad things happen to (relatively) good people” or anything of the likes. I tell you this because it happened to me, and I am choosing to hear God speak to me in it. So what am I hearing you ask?

Although I do not know this woman, and I cannot say anything about her for sure, I can imagine that she in one form or another has been abused, used and beaten down. I am quite sure she was drunk or high or both and probably feeling pretty good or at the very least numb. And then BAM! I enter, in my bright blue pants, blond hair and large hat, into the dark dreary picture chipper and bouncing! Oh gosh can you imagine? I am sure she took one look at me and thought “what the fuck is she doing in my neighbourhood?” In many ways I probably represent all that has been stolen from her, through the years of misuse and neglect. I do not blame her; I think in a small way I understand why she would have lashed out at me in anger, and ultimately pain.\

I believe through this situation God is teaching me how to love my neighbours. That is a pretty broad statement, so let me break it down for you. I am a loud and vibrant woman, both in volume and presences.  This is how God created me, and I know that this is not a negative thing. That being said I stick out in the DTES like a sore thumb. Not only do my bright pink and fancy hats shout out but also the way I carry myself with confidences and I’ll bet some pride.  As I walk these streets I can only imagine how I am perceived by those around me. I represent wealth and power. I represent the world that has rejected and even worse stomped all over them. I know God is not asking me to erase my personality, but I do think he is asking me to lay down my right (to be flamboyant) for the sake of my neighbour. I hear God asking me to walk these streets in humility and respect, to have a quiet and gentle spirit that welcomes people in, not one that is loud and pushy. I think I have been walking these streets offensively. I am still wearing my pink and hats, but I am trying to tone it down when I am walking the streets of the DTES. With the help of God I am walking with humility, praying as I go, trying to not yell out “I am here! Look at me go! Aren't I fabulous?” I believe that in this way I will walk theses streets in love. 

Jesus you hear us, you see us, you love us, please by the grace of your Holy Spirit give us your eyes and ears, please teach us to walk these street on which you have placed us with joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control. Amen.

OK What Does That Even Mean?

It is by grace that we are saved… so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:8).

OK what does that even mean? This is a question I have been asking on and off for the past several years, and theologians have been exploring for centuries! So I am think if it so important I think I should go to The One for the answer.

Jesus, grace? What does that really mean? How do we live it out in this fallen and broken world?

The first thought I “heard” was “that it is only in this fallen and broken world that you need grace.” So it could be argued that it is only as we are fallen and broken people that grace makes any sense to us. Can I please get all the fallen and broken people to raise their hands? (Mine is the first to go up!) Oh Jesus knows that no matter how hard I try I keep falling; I am often like a broken record, repeating my sins over and over again! AH!

This brings another thought to my heart, “When you are weak I AM strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10). So it could be argued that it is only when I am weak in my falling and brokenness that Jesus displays Himself strong in me. So I may just need to be weak, in order to have it be true that He is working in me giving me the desire and power to do what pleases the Father (Philippians 2:13).

Maybe if I am not weak, and I try and be perfect on my own He does not show up in my weakness and than I do not have the desire or the power to do what pleases the Father?

Maybe?

I don’t think I have “answered” my first question, but I do hope I have gone deeper into the Truth, the Way and the Life (John 14:6), and this has not have been by anything I have done, but all from by grace, so that I can not boast. Amen.

Praises be to the LORD God Almighty for He alone is worthy of all I say, think, and breath. Amen

The End is Here

This is my last War College blog: http://www.thewarcollege.com/?p=2553

I plan on bloging here again, as soon as I get settled into the school year :)

Stay posted!

Why Not?

My Mom is smart: http://www.thewarcollege.com/?p=2418

Self Prep

I have been working on Self Prep for my summer position with YouthWorks. Below is what I journal (organized a little, so that it makes sense, I hope):

What is your prayer for the summer?

Me: "Jesus what do you want to do with me this summer?"

JC: “I want to change you Maria.”

Me: “Well that is quite obvious, you always want to change me Jesus, that is the business you are in, reconciling and transforming. How specifically do you want to change me this summer Jesus?”

JC: “I want take all the wrong thinking you have about yourself and about me and replace it with my living Truth, that will live and breathe in and through you, I want to make you holy, I want to make you into the living example, the prophet that I have been intending you to be, but it will not be like you think Maria. It is thought the day in and the day out, the tough and mundane, being faithful in the littler things so that I can give you the bigger things, this summer is just the start, be faithful in this summer and I will move you further into your destiny, but don’t worry Maria I am with you, I will never leave and Holy Spirit is working in you giving you the desire and the power to all this! It is going to be a great summer. Stay in prayer, stay focused on ME, not yourself, not your staff, not the task at hand, but place me first, and all else will be given to you Maria. Make me the filter through which you see people and work.”

Amen.

Why are you doing a YouthWorks summer?

Because I have a passion for the church, specifically for the “sleepy” church, the comfortable and complacent church, I want to call the church out of their pews and into the streets to love on “the lest of theses.” I was a youth of the church, and God woke me up through something similar to YW, and I love seeing youth “get it,” it is so exciting to see them catch the fire of God’s love for the broken, hurting people that the rest of the world passes by. There are people that need to be loved right here, you don’t have to go to Mexico or Africa to love people; you can love them right where you are. I am passionate about showing young people that their lives are a mission field, and that it is about living the Gospel right where they are, in their schools, churches, on their streets and in their homes.

At the end of the summer on YW staff, what goals are you hoping to have accomplished? In what areas would you like to grow this summer?

I hope to have grown in my leadership abilities and to have come to know who I am in Christ in a deeper way. I want to learn how to trust in God, trust I am who He says I am, and to trust that that He is alive in me, working all things out. I want to learn how to abide in Jesus, in and through it all, everyday life, no separation between sacred and secular. I want to be His and Him mine. I want to be deeper in love with Jesus. I want to be set ablaze for Him. I want to have no other concerns beside Him and His Good News. I want to be completely sold out for my King, Saviour, Lord and Father. I want to be holy as He is. Amen.