This morning as I sat down to return to my schedule of prayer and reading the Bible (after a nearly a week of vacation) I was overwhelmed with anger... this is what I began to journal... I am angry. I am angry at myself, I hate the world, I hate myself, I hate how unhappy I am, I hate how quickly I turn away...
before I could go any further Jesus spoke into the darkness saying to my heart and mind "STOP looking at yourself dear one, look at my unfailing love for you, don't even look at your unfaithfulness"... and the the Spirit lead me to Romans 5:5 "and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Looking up in front of me in large bold letters it said "For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground" from Isaiah 44:3. As the words of the song playing sung:
Come and fill this place with Your presence, Lord.
We need You.
We want You.
Our souls, they thirst for You.
You are the Water of life,
the Water of life, Jesus.
In this dry and weary land,
We need You.
We want You.
Our souls, they thirst for You. - Ryan Hall
The enemy was trying to discourage me with self condemnation and self hatred... but by the grace of Jesus I was saved from that pit of hell, and placed on the Rock, Jesus Christ my Savior Lord, and the Lover of my soul. I ended the time reading over Romans 5: 1-11 (it is really incredible several times. and sitting listening to the words of the song, opening up my hands, heart and mind to receive the love of Jesus for me.
Romans 5: 1-11: Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.