Do you ever feel like a hypocrite?
Yesterday morning in class I was just about ready to burst out in tears over the deep love for Jesus that was pumping through my heart! All I could think was "I love you Jesus, I really really love you!"
Then not so much later that evening I was in the shower and all I could think was "I just want to go out and get drunk." I even went so far as to whisper to Jesus (the same Jesus I just had professed my undying love to) "I think I'm done being a Christian, I don't want to be a Christian anymore, I am done."
What the crap!?
As I stood in the shower, I kept thinking to myself "I am scam artist, I am scam artist!" Here I am in the morning almost weeping with love for Jesus, and in the evening I am ready to forsake him for a night of debauchery. Here I am working for University Christian Ministry discipling young women, leading a bible study, and going to Regent College working towards becoming a pastor!!!
You're kidding me right!?
I know that I have said this before, but really "God you have the wrong person for the job!"
OK I know that people throughout history have felt this before, like Moses and yada yada...
But this time He really does have the wrong person!
I love Jesus. I really really really do, I know this to be true as the Spirit cries out "Abba, Father!" (Romans 8:15)
BUT I also have the very real desires to do things that I know are harmful and do not please my Father, and sometimes I actually act on these very real sinful desires...
So now do you see how I am scam artist, I am really not pastor material, because I have sins that don't just exist in my past, but they exist in the here and now, and they are some really deep, dark, and ugly sins!
So where does this leave us?
I don't know where this leaves you, but it leaves me DESPERATE! Crying out to me Father "Help me! PLEASE HELP ME!"
I echo the Apostles oh so wise and real words: