I have not bogged in a couple weeks. Yes, I could say that I have been busy, which I guess I have been, but mostly I have been going through a thing or two and have not felt like blogging, I haven’t wanted to be reflective.
I am still in the process of sorting out all that is going on in my mind and heart, which I hear is going to take a life time! That being said I have no answers only a “break through” that I had in my thinking.
I was having tea and muffins with my dear friend Michelle. I was sharing with her that I have been struggling the roller coaster lifestyle I have been on over the past year or so (this is not the first time I have ridden the roller coaster, in fact I think I have spent most of my life on the roller coaster).
My roller coaster ride looks like this: a time of fervent devoted Jesus following where I go all crazy strict religious and then a time of partying and “letting lose.” This is an exhausting ride! I hate it. I end up feeling guilty and faithless.
I was telling Michelle that I think what is wrong with me, why can’t I live a life of consistently following Jesus, is that I follow a religious spirit. I had recognized that I was seeking life, passion and excitement. I would try and find it in religion, in struckture and self-discipline, but that only satisfied for so long. Then I would “go off the deep end” and try and find it in “the world” (ie. drinking, entertainment, parties, food and whatever else), and this also would only satisfy for long. Then I would go back to religion and up and down and up and down, I would ride the roller coaster.
In the past year I have come to the conclusion that neither religion nor “the world” is the answer, but Jesus being my life, living through me is. But I am having a really hard time letting this happen. I like religion, I like the rules and the list and the black and white. I also like “the world” the excitement, passion and quit simply fun! I don’t know how to rest in Jesus, and how to not let religion slowly creep into my life, which leads to me getting bored, frustrated, throwing my hands up and jumping off into the “the world,” which causes me to feel empty and crawl back into religion, and thus goes the roller coaster ride.
As I am talking to Michelle she tells me that in the book she is reading, the author is speaking about what I am struggling with. I am not going to remember what she said word for word but what I got from it was that God has created us with a wild spirit that seeks a great adventure. We can not find this great adventure in religion or in “the world.” I started to tear up and get really excited because what she was saying was speaking straight to my heart. Then she said that this wild spirit in me is not a bad or wrong spirit, it is how God created me. I am getting teary just thinking about it. I have for so long felt that there must be something deeply wrong with me, because I just can’t seem to keep it together, I can’t be satisfied with what is around me, I am always going up and down, I felt like maybe I don’t really believe in Jesus in all this Christianity stuff, because it doesn’t seem to be working. NO! I do believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior and that He is the Spirit in me working to transform me! It is just that I have been a wild tigress (from a picture that my Pastor got of me) that is chained up in either religion or “the world.” Not only is this wild, adventure seeking spirit not bad, it is how God created me to be, it is from Him!
This reminded me of a dream I had several months ago, at the end of the dream when I had grown weak Jesus came and swept me up and we were flying together, I asked Jesus “why have you made me this way?” I meant it in a bad way. Jesus said to me “I have made you this way for a purpose, now stop being so hard on yourself.” Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the reminder and the confirmation.
I still don’t really completely know how to rest in Jesus and let Him live through me. I do know that I need to be on guard against a religious spirit, because I am drawn to religion, but then it bites me in the butt and I am driven to “the world.”
I want OFF the roller coaster and I want to be set on the Rock that is Jesus Christ.
I am trusting that Jesus will not give up on me! Amen!