Thursday 15 January 2015

No Longer A Wretch

This morning I was inspired by a Humans of New York post on Facebook of a man who when asked "what's your greatest struggle right now?” answered "being honest with myself about deep, existential stuff…” 

I asked the Lord to “search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24 ESV)

Then I just let the words spill out onto the page, without censoring them or trying to understand them. They started off pretty dark:

I don’t trust you… 
I’m afraid of being single forever, I’m angry at myself for being to loud, to aggressive, to fat… 
I don’t want to be a pastor because I don’t want to be accountable, I want to do whatever it is that I want to do, when I want to do it… 
I like to be drunk because it gives me the feeling of hope…

Then something was checked in my spirit, although the above are true feelings, even if they are rooted in lies, I also have other true feelings, that are rooted in God’s truth:

I love you, despite my fears, doubts, and anger, I love you I really do! This is truth, my truth in Christ Jesus my Saviour, this is grace and mercy…

This is truly a marvel, it makes no logical sense, how is it that I have so much darkness in me yet at the same time I have the hope of Christ shinning bright?

The only answer I have is that by God’s marvellous grace and mercy, He has given me His Spirit by whom I cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with my spirit that I am a child of God! (Romans 8: 15-16) 

Oh what a marvel! A miracle! I a wretch have been saved, I am being saved, I have been made, I am, a child of the living God! 

Oh wonders upon wonders! Praise be to the Lamb of God, who was slain, Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour, the Lover of my (far to often wretched) soul. He has made me worthy, I am no longer a wretch, I am a daughter of the King! Amen!


If this is true for me, it also true for you. Ask the Lord to search you, and to lead you in the way everlasting…

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